Mental hospital Phone system

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE NUMBERS,

PLEASE SELECT FROM THE FOLLOWING OPTIONS.
IF YOU ARE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE,PRESS 1 REPEATEDLY.
IF YOU ARE CO-DEPENDENT,PLEASE ASK SOMEONE TO PRESS 2 FOR YOU.
IF YOU HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES, PRES 3.4.5.+6.
IF YOU ARE PARANOID,WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU WANT,STAY ON THE LINE SO WE CAN TRACE YOUR CALL.
IF YOU ARE DELUSIONAL,PRESS 7 AND YOUR CALL WILL BE FORWARD TO THE MOTHER SHIP.
IF YOU ARE SCHIZOPHRENIC,LISTEN CAREFULLY AND A LITTLE VOICE WILL TELL YOU WHICH NUMBER TO PRESS.
IF YOU ARE MANIC-DEPRESSIVE,HANG UP. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH NUMBER YOU PRESS,NOTHING WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY ANYWAYS.
IF YOU ARE DYSLEXIC,PRESS 9,6,9,6.
IF YOU ARE BIPOLAR,PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP OR BEFORE THE BEEP OR AFTER THE BEEP,BUT PLEASE WAIT FOR THE BEEP.
IF YOU HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS,PRESS 9.
IF YOU HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS,PRESS 9,
IF YOU HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS,PRESS 9.
IF YOU HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM,PLEASE HANG UP.
OUR OPERATORS ARE TOO BUSY TO TALK WITH YOU.
IF YOU ARE MENOPAUSAL,PUT THE GUN DOWN,HANG UP,TURN ON THE FAN,LIE DOWN AND CRY.
IF YOU ARE BLOND,DON'T PRESS ANY BUTTONS.
YOU'LL JUST MESS IT UP.
THIS COMING WEEK IS NATIONAL MENTAL HEALTH CARE WEEK.
YOU CAN DO YOUR PART BY REMEMBERING TO CONTACT AT LEAST ONE UNSTABLE PERSON TO SHOW YOU CARE..
WELL MY JOB IS DONE. YOUR TURN.